Unprotected , how would you explain my behavior?

I'll try to be concise. I am a 25-year old gay guy from Maghreb. As you know, ity is seen very badly here, so that uals in this region must be super discreet, otherwise they will have great trouble or even risk their skins. Unfortunately for me, I live in a very conservative city (and hypocritical, of course) where I can not find Gays with whom I can discuss, or relax a little. During all the years I lived, I only had 4 unprotected adventures far from where I live. The last one was yesterday. Although I know that is super dangerous and that I might get AIDS if one of my partners carry this disease, I do not know why I dare not refuse. Maybe because I'm so thirsty , and I can not meet my needs quietly where I live, that the first opportunity that presents itself to me to sleep with a guy, I accept blindness. There, I am very scared and I look forward to spend three months to go for an HIV test. I hope with all my heart that I am HIV negative. And, I ure you I am another person, and I have another life. I am more alert, more wary. Go live in a place where I can have a life couple, quiet and above all healthy. I'll look for love, I will seek a lasting relationship with dignity. But till then, I have to be sure that I do not carry any deadly disease on me.